Mr Right

So, I started this blog while I was out of the country, and it was supposed to be a mission blog. It will be again some day, but, right now, HIPPA laws keep me from blogging much about my current mission. Therefore, today you get something else that's been on my heart lately. I remember in college when a lot of the females (and not too few of the males) had one major goal: finding Mr./Mrs. Right. I wouldn't have been opposed to such a thing, but, after the initial oh-my-goodness-there-are-more-than-8-guys-here-and-most-of-them-are-actually-nice reaction, I settled into my high school routine of studying more than was probably good for me and did my best to be content. Not to mention, I'd known for a long time that I was only going to date one man, and he would be my husband, so I was holding out for the best from the get-go. Four years later, I graduated college with a nursing degree, a Spanish minor, and a heart for the nations, but no man...and I was okay with that. I was ready to lose my heart to Central America, South America, Africa, India, and anywhere with a slum or an entire community of people living in the city dump. So, after graduating and procuring my nursing license, I took the step that made the most sense: I bought a plane ticket to Tanzania. And it did steal my heart...the thing is, so did Kyle. Fast forward to now when I've been back from Tanzania for nearly 2 years and married (to Kyle, obviously) for nearly seven months. And it's been the best seven months I could have ever imagined. He never lets me doubt that he loves me, and I do my best to make coming home after work the highlight of his day. Yesterday morning he made me breakfast in bed, and yesterday evening he took me to the farmers' market to buy our Christmas tree. I'm just so.... happy! My husband isn't my source of joy or happiness, but he certainly enriches my life. Loving and being loved by him has taught me so much about God's love and acceptance, and, I've realized at least a trillion different times these last seven months that, when I said that I was holding out for the best, that's exactly what God sent me. I know life won't always be easy, but I'm not afraid of anything when he's holding my hand because I know the Hand that is really holding us together, who orchestrated this thing from the beginning of time. So, when it seems like Mr. Right will never come along, and you're tempted to settle for Mr. Right Now...don't. Wait for the man who will bring you breakfast in bed, who is willing to drive you to work at 0600 in the morning because there's a crazy man with a knife in the parking garage, who lets you bring him breakfast in bed and makes a big deal out of it when you surprise him with cookies at work, who brags about you to his friends, who takes you to the mall even though you both hate shopping just because he wants you to try on a fancy dress for him (that you both know you'll never buy), who's willing to spend a Saturday night hanging out with your sisters, nieces, and nephews and who makes you a part of his family, too, who prays over you when you're sick and asks you to pray for him, too, who is honest and strong and courageous and Godly as well as incredibly handsome, and who is worthy of your best (after all, he's giving you his).

Needy

We've been married four months. Sometimes I'm amazed that it's only been four months....it feels like we've been married forever!! I can't sleep if he's not there, and I know that's not supposed to develop until you've been married at least 25 years. At the same time, I can't believe it's only been four months! It seems like it was just yesterday that I woke up at 5am wide awake and simply could not go back to sleep because I was too excited to marry the man of my dreams that afternoon. It's crazy how incredible marriage is. I'm completely convinced that my husband is the very best husband and the absolute most amazing person in the universe not to mention the most handsome, smartest, funniest, etc. :) And there is no one who will succeed in changing my mind about that. It's also crazy how hard marriage is. I know I've only been married 4 months, so what do I really know about anything, but the hardest lesson for me to learn so far is that we need each other, and it's okay. I never wanted to need anyone. I wanted to do it on my own and figure it out on my own. That way, if I failed, or if someone failed me, they wouldn't have enough power over me for it to hurt. It didn't take me long, however, to realize that God clearly made marriage to show us that we're supposed to need each other for the direct purpose of learning that, really, we just need God. It's scary needing someone and knowing that they need you, too. Needing people can result in a lot of hurt. That's where needing God comes in. No matter what people do, God is always perfectly there. We need Him. We can't do it without Him. And, for me, He's using how much I need my husband's love and attention and presence and just my husband in general to teach me how much more I need Him.

The Thing That Amazes Me Most

Now THAT was an amazing ten days.

We landed in Liberia, Costa Rica on January 5th and from there ventured to Playa Sámara where we spent a day and two nights playing, relaxing, and preparing (and, in Kyle's and my case, getting engaged!). And, crazily enough, the trip was already being met with some resistance. Jon's passport was going to expire in 2 months, so, while he was okay to take the domestic flight to Miami, they would not let him get on the international flight to Costa Rica. So, he got an extra day in Miami and a new passport and, thankfully, joined us the next evening. Meanwhile, our Nicaraguan friends were experiencing similar troubles at the Costa Rica/Nicaragua border. We'll just suffice it to say that we spent a couple days hanging out in Costa Rica con el Pastor Ilegal! Through all the checkpoints and then crossing back into Nicaragua, none of the border cops ever even noticed that one of the passports had not been stamped on the way out two days before. The Thing That Amazes Me Most? God's grace.

From Costa Rica we traveled to Nicaragua, experiencing only a few glitches (flat tires, night-time border crossings, and unpaved roads being relatively minor glitches in the grand scheme of things...and they make for great stories now!). We stayed a night with Pastor Victor Benitez before leaving early Sunday morning to visit a church in Los Límites. As it turned out, we were to be in charge of the entire service, so we jumped right in. After the service, we divided into teams of two and prayed for each person there which was very powerful. But, The Thing That Amazes Me Most was the opportunity I had after the prayer ministry. There was a group of 5-15 year olds sitting in a circle with one empty chair amongst them. I sat down and got to have a really fun conversation with those girls during which they told me their dreams and about their lives.

After church we headed to Darío where we went to another church service that evening at Rey de Reyes (King of Kings). Several of us shared brief messages and then did more prayer ministry. But, The Thing That Amazes Me Most was how one simple comment can make a little girl's day. I told one little girl that she was wearing a pretty dress, and we were best friends from that moment on. She showed me the pictures she had drawn during the service.

The next day we set out for Matagalpa. We dropped our stuff off at a hotel which is being run by a missionary family from the USA and then Bobby, one half of the missionary couple, took us on an adventure to visit a small village in the mountains. On the way to the village, we stopped at a home for young pregnant girls where I got to hang out with and pray for some new moms and coming babies. After a rather treacherous drive on muddy roads and a quick walk into the village we were greeted by a large guitar and a swarm of small children. Neither of the visits to these two places were nearly long enough, and, as we were leaving, one little girl yelled after me, "When are you coming back?!"; the team could've left me at either place, and I would've been delighted to catch babies or play with children in a mud hut for the rest of our time in Nicaragua. Needless to say, this was my favorite day, and the Thing That Amazes Me Most is how wonderful, made-to-order opportunities like this sometimes drop right onto our laps in the most unexpected ways and at the most unexpected times.

The Thing That Amazed Me Most on Tuesday was, once again, God's grace. We were tired when we went to the church that evening, so it was pretty great when the Lord took over and blessed us just as much as He used us to bless them.

Wednesday was travel day. We arrived at Piñas de Paz around 8:30 or 9 that night and ate dinner and just enjoyed the beauty of an almost full moon, tropical mountains, and millions of stars. Thursday kicked off the Youth Pastors' Retreat, and folks started showing up pretty early that morning. The event officially began with lunch, a silly relay-race (that left me sore for at least a day), and a tour of the farm. Over the course of the weekend we had 6 sessions, worship times, a bonfire, a jungle adventure to see monkeys, parrots, and a waterfall, and time for personal ministry. All of this was awesome, but, the Thing That Amazes Me Most was how, even in the midst of this busy schedule and larger group of people, I was able to make meaningful individual connections. People shared with me their stories and wanted to hear mine; they asked for advice and offered their own wisdom; we laughed, prayed, and sang together and became friends.

This was a short trip, but it was more than long enough for Nicaragua to steal a piece of my heart. Now I can't not return.

I Don't Have a Favorite Color

Nearly two years ago I embarked on an adventure that changed me and the steps that I've taken since and will continue to take. I went to Guatemala and learned to love it so much that, when I left there March 2010, I was entirely ready to re-pack my bags and commit my life to living in Guatemala fully living from my Chapina soul (Chapina is Guatemalan slang for someone who is Guatemalan). When I returned to the US I started looking for year-long opportunities that would allow me to live and work in Guatemala. Several options came up; they all fell through, but, even before they fell through, something told me that I was supposed to give Guatemala back her Maker and go to Africa. And I, characteristically, was super excited to go to a new place. Little did I know that I would lose my heart to Tanzania just as thoroughly as I had already lost it to Guatemala, that I would discover that my soul is at least bi-racial consisting of a Guatemalan portion and an Africa portion and who knows what else. Or that I would learn from the experience that maybe I'm not supposed to love just one place. Maybe it's okay that I can't pick a favorite color let alone one country to dedicate my life to. Maybe I'm supposed to go all over the place and love places and people and cultures and languages until my heart breaks. Maybe that's why I want to travel the world anyway!

Now I'm getting ready to go to Nicaragua for 10 days in January, and I'm fairly busting at the seams! I'm so blessed and excited for the opportunity to join a new place and to learn to love Nicaragua like I already love Guatemala and Mexico and Tanzania. Please pray as we go.

Borders

In reading through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest one line really stuck out to me. He said, "Never make this plea: 'If only I were somewhere else!'" Ooops. I might've done that a time or twelve this year. And, the worst part is, I justified it every time. I've not left the country once in all of 2011, and that has been something with which I've struggled. How many times have I thought to myself about how I'd rather be in Africa or Guatemala or Mexico or any number of other places? I mean, I've been called to go, so where is the going in all of the staying that I've been doing?! And this Chambers guy has the audacity to say that I'm not supposed to feel this way? But then he goes on to say that we've been Chosen...present tense. Right here. Right now. Exactly as we are, we've been chosen. So, all of this has gotten me thinking about borders and how maybe I have gone this year. Maybe borders don't just separate countries. Maybe borders are also being torn down by two people and two suitcases that deliver healthcare to homeless people. Maybe borders are being crossed when small children can lean up against their nurse's knees and say "Me gusta estar con ti!" even after that nurse pricked their fingers to check their hemoglobin levels. Maybe I'm crossing borders every day. Maybe I'm not less called just because I've been in the same place all year. Maybe I can be used here. Maybe you can be, too.

I still want to go. I'm still called to go. I'm going to Nicaragua in January for two weeks, and I'm beside myself with excitement! And I can't wait to see where I get to go after that. But I think I'm learning that I'm underestimating the One who calls me to go when I take for granted that He can use me here...when I forget that His borders and my borders aren't always the same.

Peace and Stuff

The power of the mind has always fascinated me; this has been especially true since nursing school. The fact that sometimes medicines "work" because we are completely convinced they're working is incredible to me. On the flip-side, the fact that we can convince ourselves that we are sick and in pain when the results of every test say we aren't is astounding. That's power! But sometimes it's not good power. This was reiterated to me last week.

I have been praying for guidance and wisdom for the last several months, knowing what I want but not wanting to just run ahead of my Leader and do my own thing. And, in the midst of these prayers, I've found peace. My Father has told me exactly everything I need to know for right now; He has reassured me of things to come; and, above all, He has reminded me that He knows His plans for me and that His plans are to prosper me...to give me hope and a future. But, within a few hours of finding this peace and being reminded of God's faithfulness in keeping promises, my mind would kick in and start analyzing everything again...totally independently of my heart, where the peace was residing, thus shattering the peace and leaving me feeling a bit lost and confused again. And the thing is, I'd be so wrapped up in wondering "WHAT DO I DO?!?!" that I didn't even notice the progression of how I got from peace to panic (ok, not literally panic) so suddenly. Until this weekend when a friend of mine pointed out that, while my heart had peace, my mind was generating confusion. We can't generate our own peace, but we can destroy the peace we've been given. So, now it's my job to choose the peace and to trust and follow the Peace-giver. And maybe try to not let my analytical mind take over quite so much.... That's a little scary sounding...and THAT'S a whole different topic.

Hanging On to the Best

I sometimes read the blog of a nurse who was working in West Africa with Mercy Ships. She’s now moving on to other adventures after spending several weeks in first world countries catching up with friends and family. Anyway, something she wrote recently caught my eye and put words to a lot of what I’ve been feeling during my time in the US this year. I don’t know what’s legal and what’s not as far as “publishing” what someone else has written when it comes to blogging, so I’ll paraphrase what she said instead of quoting it exactly. She said that she’s more afraid that she’ll lose her acute awareness of how out of touch with perspective so many in the first world are than she is of having to live with that awareness (which she referred to as guilt, actually); she said that she’s afraid she’ll become like so many who walk our streets and spend so much time and energy worrying about how many calories are in that over-priced latte and never once think about how many pounds of rice that money could buy in the third world (note: I am not judging people who buy over-priced lattes as that would be terribly hypocritical considering I have a definite weakness for delicious coffee myself; I’m talking perspective here). She said that losing this awareness would be losing the best part of herself.

I’ve now been home one month, and I’m determined to hang on to this awareness that I first really and truly experienced in Guatemala and then developed more acutely in Tanzania. And, you know, I really don’t think it’ll be too terribly hard for me to hang on to it; I actually think it would be harder for me to get rid of it because it is part of me now—part of who I am and part of who I want to be. I want to think of Bahati every time I make chapatis, my host family in Carchá every time I play Dutch Blitz, and my host family in Mexico City every time I sing “Caminemos en la Luz de Díos.” I want my first thought when someone says something about the game Follow the Leader to be of Sonnie, Cody, and the streets of Chichicastenango; I hope cemeteries always lead to thoughts of the bullet hole-ridden tombstones of the National Cemetery in Guatemala City in front of which people who crossed those in power were executed during the 36 years of civil war…and then I want those memories to lead to thoughts of the landfill and Zona 3 which neighbor the cemetery; playgrounds will always make me think of the hours spent pushing children on the swings at the City of Hope; I hope worship services without heart-felt dancing won’t ever seem quite complete; I pray that the song “Days of Elijah” will always take me back to a jeep filled with new friends bouncing down an unpaved road in the jungle of Alta Verapaz, Guatemala and that “Come Thou Fount” will always remind me of a welcoming church in the middle of that jungle and the circle of children who played with bubbles with us; no stunning sky will ever be able to compete with the one God spread over Tanzania, and I don’t think there could be more beautiful mountains than the ones in Guatemala. And I pray that hospitality will always remind me of the people and places who have stolen my heart--the many, many people who have so little and give so much, from welcoming, friendship, love, and acceptance to chai/coke and chapatis/tortillas, and I also pray that I will always offer that same hospitality to the people I encounter.

And, above all, I pray that all of these memories will not only stick with me close to the surface but will also make me live more intentionally no matter where I am and that God will not only allow me to make more memories but will also give me opportunities to share the memories.