Sometimes I get worried. This is not new, but the most recent cause of my worry is a new one for me: dollars. Yes, I have at last given in to the pressures of the world and allowed myself to worry about money. Shame on me. The only worry I want to have in regards to money is this: that I should love it too much. If the love of money is the root of all evil I don't want to love it, right? Well, somewhere in switching from full-time to PRN, worry has crept in. It seemed so perfect, this new job. I was going to be doing women's health and high risk maternity. I was going to have the awesome privilege of taking care of women in order to give their little babies a better chance when they enter the world. And, I was going to be doing this at a hospital that is only 20 miles away as opposed to the 60 miles I was driving each way. What could be a more perfect job for me right now? And it started out so well! I was working full time hours and still had the freedom to say, "No, I can't work that day." while doing work that I love. (Hearing those persistent little heart beats and feeling those little kicks against their mama's belly still makes me a little emotional.) But, sometime around the holidays my hours started to drop off. "Hang in there," they said. "It's just because the holidays are so carefully scheduled," they said. But, the hours didn't pick up. I asked my manager about cross-training to some of the other units in my area but was told that there were too many holes on my current units to justify taking me away from them to cross train me. So, I kept at it; one week I worked exactly zero hours. Two weeks I only worked 12. One week I only worked 8. So, I talked to my manager again, and, for a few weeks, the hours picked up. But now they're dwindling again, and the worry has started to sneak its clammy little fingers back into my life. Until this morning when I read the following:
The wicked borrow and never repay, but the godly are generous givers. Those the Lord blesses will possess the land, but those He curses will die. The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread. The godly always give generous loans to others, and their children are a blessing. Turn from evil and do good, and you will live in the land forever. Psalms 37:21-27
Boom! That shook my world up a little this morning and made me realize that trap into which I was falling. Jehovah Jireh. The Lord provides. This isn't just some cute VBS song; it's one of God's names! It's part of who He is. He won't let us fall. My job is not our provider. My husband's job is not our provider. The Lord is our provider, and in that we have the freedom to answer when He calls. So, until I"m told otherwise, I'll keep loving my pregnant ladies because that's where God has me even if it's only 4 hours at a time. And we'll go to Mexico in a couple of weeks and love people there because that's what God has told us to do, and God will provide. And, when a need creeps up, we'll give however we can because God will provide. And, if I get more hours at work, I'll count it a blessing because God will provide. But, if I don't, I'll joyfully be here, making our home a happy, healthy one because God will provide.
We've been told that He's opening new doors in our lives, and we're starting to see what some of that is, and we're excited about it. I think it's time to take another leap of faith (or maybe a baby step) in which I stop leaning on my job to be our provider and start letting God take us in whatever direction He has in mind. After all, this is who we're following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvejyvnEidY
(Important note to Mom and potential reporters to Mom, I am NOT quitting my job, and neither is Kyle, so calm your fears. :))